Everyone’s insecure/furious/grumpy sometimes, right?
All of a sudden, I just feel so low, as if something just ran head-first into my stomach with no mercy. It’s just a temporary state, but I guess when you have these moments multiple times within a stretch of time, it’s not so temporary.
What is most frustrating is that things are going well, and I really have no reason to justify this negativity. So now what?
Summer is right around the corner and exams are only beginning… I just can’t dig up the motivation to attempt to excel at these finals. I’m pretty much screwed for Managerial Economics. It’s beyond repair.
DECA has been going well - we just locked in Chide as one of our corporate sponsors, which is quite exciting. Montreal with the team was absolutely wonderful and our last night out teemed with great stories and awkward people at The Spot. We’re planning to do another outing with the team in Toronto - barbecue and cottage, quite possibly. As much as I have concerns and teeny doubts here and there, I’m ready to put my ass on the line with my partner to make it the best year. Our exec deserves it, especially considering everything that we’ve put into this already.
Muse has been a roller-coaster ride during the past two weeks. Finalizing our ideas, hiring, interviews, and finally held our first exec meeting. We’re super confident that the creative portions, the content and inspiration will come together. But as reality strikes, it is the logistics and ultimately, the money that’s worrying me. I am motivated to do this and I know that Z, T and I are determined to make it work… I’m just completely lost as to where to begin. It almost makes me nervous to work with my close friends - I constantly feel as if I won’t lead the group up to their expectations.
Production, advertising sales, budgeting…
It’s the implementation and execution of your ideas that matter. I’m just overwhelmed… but we gotta make it work.
As for Synergy, I don’t even know where to begin. If I end up taking on the co-director role this year, I know for a fact that my heart isn’t 100% into it. Not because I’m done with Synergy - I just have to focus my energy on Muse/DECA and I seem to have lost that motivatio/inspiration to run the show next year. Plus, I won’t even be here for the actual event since I’ll be on exchange.
Speaking of exchange, we’re booking our St.Patty’s day hostels in Dublin already. Quite exciting, I must say. I’m currently trying to lock down my summer plans. AIESEC has been a little bit disappointing, to be honest. The internships just aren’t attractive… and if they are, I don’t fit their requirements. Mismatch (hah, just like everything else).
If I do my internship in Malaysia, I may head back to Hong Kong and complete an Outward Bound course there. If I end up doing the internship in Brazil, then I may just do another Outward Bound course in Vancouver. I feel like this is my last summer to do what I want to do without any consequences or trade-offs for my Commie life, of course. I’m excited for the summer though, I think it’ll be a good time, whatever it is that I decide to do. Last summer was all about routine and this one, maybe it’s just all about adventure before I settle down and act like a grown up.
I went back home for Easter weekend and volunteered at Toronto Fashion Week. It was exciting but I’m not quite sure if it is the industry I want to pursue when I get out of school. I don’t exactly know what I want to do with my life and it seems to be a common question that comes up in my discussions these days.
I’ve found that I’ve been talking to a lot more people in Commerce and making friends in my program. It’s nice because I’ve found part of the 60% of people in this program that aren’t pretentious. I suppose it’s because I’ve been more involved this year through extra-curriculars and trips, and I’ve also had the chance to work with many different individuals. My groups have been amazing this year: Marketing with Dex, JJ, Avi, Helen/ Ethics with MiRae, Sal, Simon, Sean / HR with Orchid, JJ, John and Marli. I’ve been incredibly luck, let’s put it that way.
I love my HR group - it’s amazing how we just all got along. The long and unproductive meetings, the crazy rides, food + food + food + alcohol + food + food, Denny’s, Tim Horton’s until 5AM, Arisu, and epic nights out. So much love for this group.
I’m really glad that I got to know the Muse girls this year as well; I’ve been really blessed. They’re such great people and working with people with similar minds is very rare…
Back to the Muse team - we’re so impressed with everyone that we hired for the exec. Just wanted to put it out there, but our creative directors, Nick and Fallon are SICK! I can’t wait to work with them even more - our ideas are just starting to flow and it’s going to blow everyone away…
I also realized that I call home a lot more often, now that I have to actually walk to and from school. It’s nice - keeps me in touch with Mum at home. I guess things haven’t really improved with my Dad lately… I know that I have so much to learn from him because he’s such a bright and experienced man, but my ego is so ridiculous sometimes.
I miss the girls back home! Everyone’s going their own way now that we’re all growing up, and to be honest, it’s scary. We’re all getting jobs (or at least trying) and we just won’t have that free time that we used to enjoy anymore. Summer vacation? That doesn’t really exist.
The past year has been quite a ride - and if I was to sum it up, it would just revolve around change and discovery. Then again, when is it not?
September was rough x 3. Especially after my birthday.
November was when I thought things would finally change.
December was disappointing on my own terms.
Winter break was refreshing and things were going well. Like my housemate says, I was glowing after I came back from the holidays.
January was stressful and everything I was working toward, ended.
February was a time of discovery, in foreign places. And things inevitably ended.
March was all about getting to know people and taking it all in.
April… what is it going to be about now? It’s all about learning to cope.
I went out to the QEC social on Friday and had a pretty epice night out. House, egg toss, shot-tastic adventure, Stages, getting lost in Stages, more shots, lying on the sidewalk with Liam, watching infomercials until 7AM and heading to Morrison’s for hangover breakfast.
Success at last, for a good way to end of the term.
I know it’s silly but I think half of the reason for finally blogging was because I needed an outlet. My friend was giving me updates on her romantic life earlier today. Exciting news, especially in her situation and I’m super stoked for her… as long as this dude isn’t a douche like the last. She’s one of the strongest girls I know, but we all deserve to be cared for and of course, we all want to share our good and bad times. Anyway, my point was that she told me this good news in the midst of my exam period… and well, it’s like a slap in the face.
She broke up with her ex a while ago… in the beginning of the year. Now, she’s got this guy she’s seeing. Is it luck? Is it just her? Or what?
As for me, I’ve been on my own since time. Since I broke up with my ex three years ago, I’ve met five interesting individuals:
1) A guy who I gave my heart to and surprise, he strung me along.
2) A guy who is exactly like me; while I once thought that he was everything I needed, i knew that I wasn’t what he was looking for.
3) A guy who I thought was exactly what I was looking for and was nearly perfect, but who couldn’t figure out what he wanted. Wrong person, right time.
4) A guy who I clicked with and shared brief moments with, but nothing would ever come from it. Right person, wrong time.
5) A guy who I was really attracted to… and then not so much after he was all over… everyone.
What’s next?
I try to concentrate on what I do - and I’ve got things going for me. Staying involved and improving myself are my priorities, but if I have those things under control, I can’t help but let my mind wander to less important things.
J and I keep wondering what is actually wrong with us. We’re intelligent girls and definitely worthy… so why is it that we find it so difficult to be with someone? It makes me so angry to think about it when I have so much to give- I’m just lacking an “outlet”, if you will.
And you know what, screw promiscuity. That goes down the drain too - it’s not even about double standards. It’s just meaningless and old. When I go to the clubs/bars these days, all I see are guys trying to grind their junk on any drunk girl… and girls putting themselves out there. It’s a modern day jungle.
Screw double standards too. Girls aren’t always as innocent as they appear to be - and let’s be honest, we are all human beings. Naturally, it follows that girls have the same intentions as guys when they go out - it’s just the method of executing these intentions that create such a difference between the sexes.
Anyway, just went on a little rant there… but it’s really just the pent up frustration inside of me.
Last rant of the day: I am currently hating on people that don’t know what they want. Are you really going to text me and continue a conversation form 7 days ago? And are you really going to randomly text me after two weeks of not speaking to me to “see how I’m doing” and then decide to leave another conversation trailing?
Dude, are you f-ing serious?
Apparently, he is serious. Time to go to bed and start a day of serious studying…
Good luck with finals, everyone.
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