MIA no more!
Wow, I haven’t realized that I’ve been quite MIA from tumblr. I wanted to do a post on my experience in Tijuana over the break, but things have been hectic around here. Nonetheless, I’m proud to say that I’ve been caught up… with school work (mostly) and not extracurriculars for once.
So where do I start?
Life’s been quite a roller coaster these days, ever since the weekend of Valentine’s Day. I’ve never been a fan of this useless, over rated holiday. And no, I’m not speaking from bitterness… just honesty.
Anyway, since that weekend, I’ve been incredibly tense, for valid reasons. Five midterms + interview in four days = not my idea of fun. But of course, it always happens that we somehow get through it… so I did.
Then I jetted off to Tijuana to build a house for a family of five. And that’s another story in itself that I will explain later. If I were to sum it up in a few words: reality, love, humanity, paint, guitars, bonfires, and tequila.
I also found out that I’ll be doing an internship abroad this summer through AIESEC, so yes, I am quite pumped! As to where and when, I don’t have a single clue… but I will soon…
Getting back to school. This half of the term has been zipped by… four more weeks of classes… what?
Since all the extracurriculars have wrapped up since late January, I’ve been able to focus more on academics. I feel like a normal university student now, actually studying at the library, going home before 2AM, making decent meals, sleeping in on a Saturday…. Last Saturday, I stayed in bed until noon and wondered what I’ve been doing with my Saturdays during fall term. I honestly don’t recall being able to spend an entire Saturday cleaning the house, doing laundry, reading magazines, and just chillin’ out.
Anyway, I’ve been frantically trying to get life back in order as I know it: the “project” is underway, got through my mock interview, finished up my QCIB interview, DECA is rollin’… and now it’s time to search for AIESEC internships. I like being busy because it simply doesn’t allow me to have the free time to unleash my thoughts and emotions like I am currently doing. There is so much to express and I just wonder if words are enough.
The idea that “it [relationships, love] just comes so easy for some people, it’s just so natural,” has been running through my head all day. Where am I going with this?
See? It’s got me all tangled up already.
For some people, getting into relationships seems like a piece of cake. They get in and out of relationships, they flourish in relationships, and it seems like they’re so effortlessly happy. Of course, I understand that patience, work, compromise and complication always finds a way between two people. I just don’t understand why I can never get past the complications phase.
We are an impatient species and maybe I’m just not patient enough to wait for the perfect one. Perhaps I jump on board too quickly, slip and sink. At least that describes my most recent case.
I can’t help but heave sighs of exasperation, it’s really annoying. I constantly take these shallow breaths and once in a while, I knit my eyebrows and let out non-verbal frustration (which for the record, does not help).
I don’t know what else to do! My body is incredibly tense, I’m stressed in a way that I’ve never been stressed before and my mind, it’s packed.
I’m clearly upset about something and yes, I know what it is. I just don’t want to admit that it is the cause of this… this… state of being. Of course it’s stupid, but I’m a girl and I believe I can be pardoned.
This isn’t about being suffocated with sadness, as if I’m about to cry. It’s not even close to that and in my opinion, it’s even worse- I’d rather bawl my eyes out and get it over with. It doesn’t work this way anymore.
I think the correct way to put it is that I’m slowly beginning to become hopeless.
Hopeless that anything will ever work out - cynical, I know but that’s just the way it is. (Hopelessness Theory, anyone? I’m just kidding… psych!)
This is just me being absolutely bored at 4 in the morning, just because I start class at 1130 tomorrow.
Anyway, point is, I just don’t think anyone like A will come along. And even if they do, and they are just like him, it’s not going to work out because it didn’t work out with him. So, where does that put me?
I’m not quite sure… this is just the surface of it. There’s so much more and at this hour, I’m not quite sure I know how to express it without sounding nuts. I just don’t want to have to read post after post about how upset I am without him… because this isn’t the same case. I wish I could somehow describe this…
To be continued.
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