Ready, set, and… pause.
This just came up while I was moping over several items (lost/unrecoverable files…) just a minute ago.
When are we ever ready to love? I mean, truly love.
The heart usually takes off for a vacation after a relationship. In my opinion, this is true regardless of the length of the relationship, as well as the particular side the heart acted on - the damaging side, or the one being damaged.
We come out of relationships vowing that we’re not ready to love again, that we’re not ready to get vacuumed into the cycle again.
On the other hand, let’s look at people who have been MIA in the game for a while. The heart’s been resting and focusing on other elements and well, it’s rusty. Trying to get back in the cycle requires a little more push, a little more courage and sometimes, it’s just not quite as easy as we thought. Realistically, we’re not ready to love when we’ve been absent for such a long time.
Why is that the case?
See, here’s the deal. Let’s put it in a more personal context.
I haven’t felt this way in a very long time (four years…) and my guts tell me that things are different this time around. It’s reassuring at first - “finally, someone I really care about! almost everything is perfect.” - but then I realize that I’m screwed. It’s a hit or miss, really. It could turn out well or just a complete disaster… and if the latter occurs, then I would probably have an even harder time trying to love again when the next opportunity presents itself.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m really not trying to be sadistic, pessimistic, nor a masochist. It’s just that I’m more susceptible to damage than I initially realized - and once the thought crossed my mind, it wouldn’t leave. It’s not like I received immunity to potential damage and clearly, absence from this kind of relationship didn’t transform me into a superhuman either.
Being absent from the “scene”, if you will, has its advantages. It lets you sit back and observe the relationships that surround you - some turn out great, others don’t. You get a dish of the happiness and inevitably, drama, without being involved. But after a while, you may become slightly jaded after seeing amazing relationships dissolve into hate, silence… and all that jazz.
I’m not too fond of it. The worst thing about this is that these observations become integrated into the schema of a relationship in my head. And no, I don’t believe that there is absolutely anything that can mask the ugliness of it all.
(for example, I didn’t even plan on writing a negative post. I truthfully didn’t intend to do so… but it just kind of happened in a way, oops)
So, being absent really screws with you. You want to love (who doesn’t?), like, be in a relationship, whatever. At the same time, you’re getting scared so naturally, you put your guard up.
And back to the original point, ta-daaaaa, you are most definitely not ready to love.
Or I’m just being skeptical. Either way, I know that logic hardly applies to what I just wrote… but hopefully some poor soul gets the jist of it all. That’s why 4AM contemplations are no fun. No one gets it!
Another note.
Not every relationship is guaranteed to brush on love, nor does it suggest that love attaches to every relationship in the beginning. We get into them and only hope to fall in love - some hope harder than others quite obviously, some just cross their fingers and wait, and then there are the people who are, or at least, seem, nonchalant about it. So whatever is the case, love’s in the equation.
What’s the big deal about love anyway?
I’m not understanding.
But on second thought, I’m really not understanding anything at this ungodly hour.
8 of 40 pages completed. UUUUUUUUGH. I ended up redesigning umm… everything.
Typical. I would.
Redbull’s not really giving me any wings. I’m tired, cold and pissed.
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