On independence, confidence and romance.
I haven’t posted in a long time, partially due to the fact that I started blogging about my Finnish adventures on Cee In Helsinki this summer. It was a truly memorable and important summer to me… and I seriously think that I am still experiencing the post-internship withdrawal effects.
I don’t know why it took me so long to start blogging again on this account - maybe it’s the lack of motivation, hectic life schedule, or maybe I just had too much say. Regardless, if I could sum up the summer in three words, it would be confidence, independence and yes, romance.
Now that I think about it, maybe these three things intertwine more than I expected…
1) Confidence - I’ve never been the most confident girl, to be honest. I doubt myself a lot more than it seems that I do and there are so many instances (unfortunately) where I just become so buried into the pessimism and doubt that it takes forever to get back up. Somehow, though, I learned to trust in myself a lot more and I’m willing to make dumb mistakes and bounce back when I need to. By nature, I’m incredibly risk-averse… (I think it’s an Asian thing and I think I get it from my mother, lol) but if you don’t jump, you’re just going to stand there and be a roadblock, for yourself and other people. Somehow, when I was in Finland, I was so much more confident in who I was (and still am). Was it because it was a new environment? Or was it just the people around me? I’m still not quite sure but sometimes, refreshing the situation and wiping out most things from your seemingly “normal” and habitual life helps. It’s like clearing out a stage in a video game and moving onto the next- you’re recharged with ammunition and ready to go.
2) Independence - Living alone scared the shit out of me when I first got accepted for the internship in Finland. I’ve never had a flat to myself, not to mention that I have never lived in a foreign country by myself where I knew absolutely noone. For the first few weeks, I didn’t know too many people - I spent a lot of time with Dmitry and got to know Paula a bit more… but I didn’t know the Kannelmaki AIESECers. Needless to say, the first day or two terrified me - I was so ready to make up a story so that I could come home early… but I got used to it. I had a little help a long the way, with Keldi coming in from Estonia for a few nights, Paula staying for the weekends and then being introduced to the rest of the people at Kantsu when we all went to watch the FIFA games. And that’s when it all started. There was such a huge network of support and the people instantly became your friends. At the end of the day, I still enjoyed having some time alone in the flat. It’s good because it forces you to get out of your shell unless you’re really keen on isolating yourself in a foreign country. I learned so much from starting out in a foreign country. Try it some time if you can, it forces you to grow up. So, if I ever the chance again to go somewhere away from home all by myself… I’d jump on that opportunity.
3) Romance - Ah, the inevitable. I think this made a huge difference to my internship, in many different ways. What I went through was something of the expedited sort. There was no relationship involved but there was a connection - something that I learned to value more than a simple “boyfriend/girlfriend” title. From being introduced, to being friends, from enjoying everything for what it was to getting my heart broken, and from being stern on my values to understanding that things twist, turn, screw up and then work out… I’ve gone through an enormous rollercoaster ride’s worth of ups and downs. At the end of the day, I’m just content that I was able to experience all of this in one go. Short and sweet, I guess. Being an intern gives you that opportunity to have it all at one moment and then lose it all. There are times when I still think of everything that we’ve been through and I relive those moments… a lot. Our photos are up on my wall and I send him an e-mail from time to time. Needless to say, he’s got this special place in my heart but I’m okay. For once, I’m okay with the way things are because I have no expectations. I’ve learned to let go of expectations in the realm of romance and relationships… and that is one piece of important advice I’ll have to remind myself of every time I catch myself falling into the trap.
Wrapping it up, the risk I took to be independent forced me to become confident in who I was… and from there, I made friendship and connections that taught me valuable lessons that I probably wouldn’t learn if I had stayed in Canada for the summer… following the typical path for a typical second year Commerce student.
What will it be this summer? Am I supposed to mold myself into the corporate life, into the real work life? Or go and experience the real life?
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