toujours en avant.

Habits

All of a sudden, I’m drowning in a pool of inspiration and I can’t seem to even organize my thoughts anymore. One thing that I have been thinking about is habits. Good ones, bad ones and now that I’m putting it into words, it’s beyond control.

(Intermission: It just hailed in Copenhagen.)

I used to have a good habit of writing a lot. When I was younger, everything went into my little pink diary with a gold padlock on the side. From what I can recall, the cover had pink and white checkers with pictures of straw hats and heels - it was a beautiful thing for a child with dreams. I wrote stories in them, I drew up airline tickets (what? I’ve always wanted to be a flight attendant) and at the back, there was a list of the boys that I had a crush on. Things were really simple back then - didn’t like that boy anymore? Cross them off with your pencil and move on… but that’s another whole can of worms I’d rather not open at this point.

As I got older, my diary became notebooks with endless pages of rants, girl drama and childish goals. I remember I kept a diary with pages of brown recycled paper that I took on my trip to Paris and Nice with my family as a teenager. At that time, I was still madly in love with my last ex-boyfriend and I wrote an entry every single day, documenting what I did and how much I missed him. After the trip, I tore those pages out, rolled them up and tied a ribbon around it… and handed it over to him as a gift. Stupid decision. I guess I never did learn from my mistakes because I did that with a blog link - it was easier, at least and much less effort was required.

See, the thing is that blogs are easy to create, but they are just as easy to forget. They may also be a lot less honest than real diaries. With a click of a button, you can simply make a post private so that no one can read it, and yes, privacy is one of the purposes of a diary. But think about it: with blogs, you now have an audience to tend to, whether it be your friends, family, random people on the Internet. As much as you might try to argue it, you’ve got two ends of a blog. The back end, with all your private thoughts and posts that are in queue - perhaps they won’t make it to the virtual world - and then you have the front end, the one that everyone believes is a true channel of your thoughts, ideas and ultimately, your personality.

Give it some thought. Does your blog really reflect who you are and the life you live, or do you sprinkle some sugar on it and allow it to reflect the life of your alter ego?

On independence, confidence and romance.

I haven’t posted in a long time, partially due to the fact that I started blogging about my Finnish adventures on Cee In Helsinki this summer. It was a truly memorable and important summer to me… and I seriously think that I am still experiencing the post-internship withdrawal effects.

I don’t know why it took me so long to start blogging again on this account - maybe it’s the lack of motivation, hectic life schedule, or maybe I just had too much say. Regardless, if I could sum up the summer in three words, it would be confidence, independence and yes, romance.

Now that I think about it, maybe these three things intertwine more than I expected…

1) Confidence - I’ve never been the most confident girl, to be honest. I doubt myself a lot more than it seems that I do and there are so many instances (unfortunately) where I just become so buried into the pessimism and doubt that it takes forever to get back up. Somehow, though, I learned to trust in myself a lot more and I’m willing to make dumb mistakes and bounce back when I need to. By nature, I’m incredibly risk-averse… (I think it’s an Asian thing and I think I get it from my mother, lol) but if you don’t jump, you’re just going to stand there and be a roadblock, for yourself and other people. Somehow, when I was in Finland, I was so much more confident in who I was (and still am). Was it because it was a new environment? Or was it just the people around me? I’m still not quite sure but sometimes, refreshing the situation and wiping out most things from your seemingly “normal” and habitual life helps. It’s like clearing out a stage in a video game and moving onto the next- you’re recharged with ammunition and ready to go.

2) Independence - Living alone scared the shit out of me when I first got accepted for the internship in Finland. I’ve never had a flat to myself, not to mention that I have never lived in a foreign country by myself where I knew absolutely noone. For the first few weeks, I didn’t know too many people - I spent a lot of time with Dmitry and got to know Paula a bit more… but I didn’t know the Kannelmaki AIESECers. Needless to say, the first day or two terrified me - I was so ready to make up a story so that I could come home early… but I got used to it. I had a little help a long the way, with Keldi coming in from Estonia for a few nights, Paula staying for the weekends and then being introduced to the rest of the people at Kantsu when we all went to watch the FIFA games. And that’s when it all started. There was such a huge network of support and the people instantly became your friends. At the end of the day, I still enjoyed having some time alone in the flat. It’s good because it forces you to get out of your shell unless you’re really keen on isolating yourself in a foreign country. I learned so much from starting out in a foreign country. Try it some time if you can, it forces you to grow up. So, if I ever the chance again to go somewhere away from home all by myself… I’d jump on that opportunity.

3) Romance - Ah, the inevitable. I think this made a huge difference to my internship, in many different ways. What I went through was something of the expedited sort. There was no relationship involved but there was a connection - something that I learned to value more than a simple “boyfriend/girlfriend” title. From being introduced, to being friends, from enjoying everything for what it was to getting my heart broken, and from being stern on my values to understanding that things twist, turn, screw up and then work out… I’ve gone through an enormous rollercoaster ride’s worth of ups and downs. At the end of the day, I’m just content that I was able to experience all of this in one go. Short and sweet, I guess. Being an intern gives you that opportunity to have it all at one moment and then lose it all. There are times when I still think of everything that we’ve been through and I relive those moments… a lot. Our photos are up on my wall and I send him an e-mail from time to time. Needless to say, he’s got this special place in my heart but I’m okay. For once, I’m okay with the way things are because I have no expectations. I’ve learned to let go of expectations in the realm of romance and relationships… and that is one piece of important advice I’ll have to remind myself of every time I catch myself falling into the trap.

Wrapping it up, the risk I took to be independent forced me to become confident in who I was… and from there, I made friendship and connections that taught me valuable lessons that I probably wouldn’t learn if I had stayed in Canada for the summer… following the typical path for a typical second year Commerce student.

What will it be this summer? Am I supposed to mold myself into the corporate life, into the real work life? Or go and experience the real life?

Turning point?

I don’t know if it was all the reminiscing on Friday, the talk with JY or if it was the beer, but something came over me and made me reach out to you. It’s been a year and obviously, I was still attached to the faint idea of us (or whatever it was) - I hadn’t let go. 

Truthfully, I was bitter up until our chat tonight. Everything subsided when we started talking like we used to, so it’s no surprise why I can now recall why I felt the way I did. We got along and held a decent conversation for the first time in a year and a half, can you believe it? 

But time has made me a little wiser. I’m not falling for you again because ultimately, the point of reaching out to you was to obtain closure. I always denied that I needed closure - I just wanted to leave and never revisit those memories and emotions again… they’re too much to handle. Unfortunately, I learned that shit doesn’t work this way - these things just creep up on you… they’re persistent, you know? 

Listening to you talk about your life now makes me glad that you’re doing well. I don’t think I’ve seen you being this positive (or maybe it’s the alcohol talking) and I’m just happy that you’re good. 

See, after everything, I don’t hate you. It’s not in my personality to be able to hate someone I cared so much for… but it doesn’t mean that I can forgive you for what you did and didn’t do. In all honesty, all I’m doing is looking past it all and reacquainting myself with you for my own good - I had to undo this knot in my chest. 

I really do feel a lot better. Maybe after tomorrow, I’ll be able to say that I’m really over you so that I can jet off peacefully and just do my thing. And if I’m lucky, maybe I’ll be able to channel my energy and truly feel for someone again… just like I did for you. 

Everyone’s insecure/furious/grumpy sometimes, right?

All of a sudden, I just feel so low, as if something just ran head-first into my stomach with no mercy. It’s just a temporary state, but I guess when you have these moments multiple times within a stretch of time, it’s not so temporary. 

What is most frustrating is that things are going well, and I really have no reason to justify this negativity. So now what?

Summer is right around the corner and exams are only beginning… I just can’t dig up the motivation to attempt to excel at these finals. I’m pretty much screwed for Managerial Economics. It’s beyond repair.

DECA has been going well - we just locked in Chide as one of our corporate sponsors, which is quite exciting. Montreal with the team was absolutely wonderful and our last night out teemed with great stories and awkward people at The Spot. We’re planning to do another outing with the team in Toronto - barbecue and cottage, quite possibly. As much as I have concerns and teeny doubts here and there, I’m ready to put my ass on the line with my partner to make it the best year. Our exec deserves it, especially considering everything that we’ve put into this already.

Muse has been a roller-coaster ride during the past two weeks. Finalizing our ideas, hiring, interviews, and finally held our first exec meeting. We’re super confident that the creative portions, the content and inspiration will come together. But as reality strikes, it is the logistics and ultimately, the money that’s worrying me. I am motivated to do this and I know that Z, T and I are determined to make it work… I’m just completely lost as to where to begin. It almost makes me nervous to work with my close friends - I constantly feel as if I won’t lead the group up to their expectations. 

Production, advertising sales, budgeting…

It’s the implementation and execution of your ideas that matter. I’m just overwhelmed… but we gotta make it work.

As for Synergy,  I don’t even know where to begin. If I end up taking on the co-director role this year, I know for a fact that my heart isn’t 100% into it. Not because I’m done with Synergy - I just have to focus my energy on Muse/DECA and I seem to have lost that motivatio/inspiration to run the show next year. Plus, I won’t even be here for the actual event since I’ll be on exchange.

Speaking of exchange, we’re booking our St.Patty’s day hostels in Dublin already. Quite exciting, I must say. I’m currently trying to lock down my summer plans. AIESEC has been a little bit disappointing, to be honest. The internships just aren’t attractive… and if they are, I don’t fit their requirements. Mismatch (hah, just like everything else). 

If I do my internship in Malaysia, I may head back to Hong Kong and complete an Outward Bound course there. If I end up doing the internship in Brazil, then I may just do another Outward Bound course in Vancouver. I feel like this is my last summer to do what I want to do without any consequences or trade-offs for my Commie life, of course. I’m excited for the summer though, I think it’ll be a good time, whatever it is that I decide to do. Last summer was all about routine and this one, maybe it’s just all about adventure before I settle down and act like a grown up.

I went back home for Easter weekend and volunteered at Toronto Fashion Week. It was exciting but I’m not quite sure if it is the industry I want to pursue when I get out of school. I don’t exactly know what I want to do with my life and it seems to be a common question that comes up in my discussions these days.

I’ve found that I’ve been talking to a lot more people in Commerce and making friends in my program. It’s nice because I’ve found part of the 60% of people in this program that aren’t pretentious. I suppose it’s because I’ve been more involved this year through extra-curriculars and trips, and I’ve also had the chance to work with many different individuals. My groups have been amazing this year: Marketing with Dex, JJ, Avi, Helen/ Ethics with MiRae, Sal, Simon, Sean / HR with Orchid, JJ, John and Marli. I’ve been incredibly luck, let’s put it that way.

I love my HR group - it’s amazing how we just all got along. The long and unproductive meetings, the crazy rides, food + food + food + alcohol + food + food, Denny’s, Tim Horton’s until 5AM, Arisu, and epic nights out. So much love for this group.

I’m really glad that I got to know the Muse girls this year as well; I’ve been really blessed. They’re such great people and working with people with similar minds is very rare…

Back to the Muse team - we’re so impressed with everyone that we hired for the exec. Just wanted to put it out there, but our creative directors, Nick and Fallon are SICK! I can’t wait to work with them even more - our ideas are just starting to flow and it’s going to blow everyone away…

I also realized that I call home a lot more often, now that I have to actually walk to and from school. It’s nice - keeps me in touch with Mum at home. I guess things haven’t really improved with my Dad lately… I know that I have so much to learn from him because he’s such a bright and experienced man, but my ego is so ridiculous sometimes. 

I miss the girls back home! Everyone’s going their own way now that we’re all growing up, and to be honest, it’s scary. We’re all getting jobs (or at least trying) and we just won’t have that free time that we used to enjoy anymore. Summer vacation? That doesn’t really exist.

The past year has been quite a ride - and if I was to sum it up, it would just revolve around change and discovery. Then again, when is it not?

September was rough x 3. Especially after my birthday. 
November was when I thought things would finally change.
December was disappointing on my own terms. 
Winter break was refreshing and things were going well. Like my housemate says, I was glowing after I came back from the holidays.
January was stressful and everything I was working toward, ended.
February was a time of discovery, in foreign places. And things inevitably ended. 
March was all about getting to know people and taking it all in. 
April… what is it going to be about now? It’s all about learning to cope.

I went out to the QEC social on Friday and had a pretty epice night out. House, egg toss, shot-tastic adventure, Stages, getting lost in Stages, more shots, lying on the sidewalk with Liam, watching infomercials until 7AM and heading to Morrison’s for hangover breakfast. 

Success at last, for a good way to end of the term. 

I know it’s silly but I think half of the reason for finally blogging was because I needed an outlet. My friend was giving me updates on her romantic life earlier today. Exciting news, especially in her situation and I’m super stoked for her… as long as this dude isn’t a douche like the last. She’s one of the strongest girls I know, but we all deserve to be cared for and of course, we all want to share our good and bad times. Anyway, my point was that she told me this good news in the midst of my exam period… and well, it’s like a slap in the face.

She broke up with her ex a while ago… in the beginning of the year. Now, she’s got this guy she’s seeing. Is it luck? Is it just her? Or what?

As for me, I’ve been on my own since time. Since I broke up with my ex three years ago, I’ve met five interesting individuals:

1) A guy who I gave my heart to and surprise, he strung me along.
2) A guy who is exactly like me; while I once thought that he was everything I needed, i knew that I wasn’t what he was looking for.
3) A guy who I thought was exactly what I was looking for and was nearly perfect, but who couldn’t figure out what he wanted. Wrong person, right time.
4) A guy who I clicked with and shared brief moments with, but nothing would ever come from it. Right person, wrong time.
5) A guy who I was really attracted to… and then not so much after he was all over… everyone.  

What’s next?

I try to concentrate on what I do - and I’ve got things going for me. Staying involved and improving myself are my priorities, but if I have those things under control, I can’t help but let my mind wander to less important things.

J and I keep wondering what is actually wrong with us. We’re intelligent girls and definitely worthy… so why is it that we find it so difficult to be with someone? It makes me so angry to think about it when I have so much to give- I’m just lacking an “outlet”, if you will. 

And you know what, screw promiscuity. That goes down the drain too - it’s not even about double standards. It’s just meaningless and old. When I go to the clubs/bars these days, all I see are guys trying to grind their junk on any drunk girl… and girls putting themselves out there. It’s a modern day jungle. 

Screw double standards too. Girls aren’t always as innocent as they appear to be - and let’s be honest, we are all human beings. Naturally, it follows that girls have the same intentions as guys when they go out - it’s just the method of executing these intentions that create such a difference between the sexes. 

Anyway, just went on a little rant there… but it’s really just the pent up frustration inside of me. 

Last rant of the day: I am currently hating on people that don’t know what they want. Are you really going to text me and continue a conversation form 7 days ago? And are you really going to randomly text me after two weeks of not speaking to me to “see how I’m doing” and then decide to leave another conversation trailing?

Dude, are you f-ing serious? 

Apparently, he is serious. Time to go to bed and start a day of serious studying…

Good luck with finals, everyone. 

Oh Alexander…

One of my favourites from Pre-Fall 2010. I love the asymmetric top!

Minimalism’s always the best.

Images from www.elle.com

Project

MUSE MAGAZINE: 

www.musemagazine.tumblr.com 

I’m beginning to think that capping my commitments next year is going to pay off. 

Inspiration in life.

I am so blessed to have such inspirational and amazing friends here with me. I just wanted to remind myself before I get caught up in my own whirlwind of BS again.

DJ.Yoo, one of the best people to work, live and jam with. This kid’s going places.
J.Do, the most passionate, driven and talented designer that I know.
HiroMay, one of the coolest “head-bitch-in-charge” kind of chick around.
Lucy, one of the most personable, insightful and intelligent girls around. Proud.
Julie, without doubt the strongest, most determined and stubborn girl I’ve ever met. 
Jane, one of the most down-to-earth and innovative people I’ve met. True entrepreneur.
Steph, one of those friends with so much good inside of her huge, huge heart.

Youth is one of the best gifts that we can receive in life. 
Use your time wisely because youth runs out, whether you like it or not.